本文來(lái)自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》。
以下這篇文章是由小新老師提供的例文，看了以后發(fā)現(xiàn)能夠說(shuō)明很多問(wèn)題！鑒于小新只提供了例文未加點(diǎn)評(píng)，特此點(diǎn)評(píng)一下，順此感謝小新的例文，呵呵?。?！
Recent years have witnessed the tendency that companies, in order to give opportunities to new generation, tend to encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. After pondering this phenomenon on many occasions, I finally reach the opinion that this trend is something worthy to be advocated and I cannot skip it. Inevitably, there are numerous reasons that count. I would like to expose a few of the most conspicuous ones as follows.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：第1段寫(xiě)的很流暢，介紹了背景，沒(méi)有重復(fù)原文，并在最后1句表明了自己的觀點(diǎn)，典型的2+1’模式，即2句過(guò)渡，最后1句表明觀點(diǎn)的主題句，這是雅思大作文中比較典型的寫(xiě)法。
巧妙之處：此段運(yùn)用了很多套句（紅色部分）。很多學(xué)生會(huì)問(wèn)套句會(huì)不會(huì)被考官評(píng)為低分？！請(qǐng)注意，如果我不說(shuō)明，你是否能夠看出第1段的幾句話是套句？！也就是說(shuō)，很多時(shí)候有些表達(dá)的方法比較有限，難免會(huì)有些重復(fù)，即使是套句，不要“死套”！靈活運(yùn)用一下，就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)原來(lái)套句不僅能夠開(kāi)發(fā)思路，也可以在適當(dāng)?shù)臅r(shí)候運(yùn)用一下，是文章語(yǔ)言更優(yōu)美?。。?BR> 缺點(diǎn)：此段的套句還是多了點(diǎn)，特別是最后1句表明觀點(diǎn)的話，我個(gè)人由于作文看得比較多，所以一看便覺(jué)得很熟悉，考官看不看得出就難說(shuō)了！而且需要指出的是，最后1句這種表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)的主題句被普遍的作文老師認(rèn)為是一種不錯(cuò)的寫(xiě)法。的確，這種寫(xiě)法是很容易掌握的，但是有位考官明確指出如果最后1句能夠?qū)懙母鞔_（即把下文要寫(xiě)的理由總結(jié)一下，在這句話中表明，效果會(huì)更好?。。。?BR> 語(yǔ)言方面：由于大量使用了套句，所以基本上沒(méi)有任何語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤。但是who are older than 55, 可以改成who are age over 55，感覺(jué)會(huì)更好一點(diǎn)！??！
The point on the top of my list for my propensity is that young people, physically, are more vigorous and energetic than elder ones. That is to say, young employees are more reliable when saddled with heavy burdens, which the elder cannot withstand due to their physical condition. Confronted with the work of high density, the elderly are inclined not to catch up with the steps of the young who may accomplish their mission swiftly and adroitly.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：第１句話使用了一個(gè)比較高層次的套句來(lái)表明自己的分論點(diǎn)，是一個(gè)不錯(cuò)的主題句。第２句開(kāi)始，由that is to say引出了supporting sentences。此段共３句話，采用了１’＋２模式，即第１句主題句，后２句支持句。這種結(jié)構(gòu)一般只有高手才用，因?yàn)橹粚?xiě)２句支持句很難達(dá)到字?jǐn)?shù)要求，所以語(yǔ)言功底還沒(méi)達(dá)到這個(gè)境界的同學(xué)可以多寫(xiě)幾句支持句。
巧妙之處：這一段的套句用得不錯(cuò)，而且很好得控制了套句的“量”！很清晰地從physically來(lái)分析，the elder的不足之處，內(nèi)容很明確。
預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.本文來(lái)自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》。
語(yǔ)言方面：這里有值得大家學(xué)的地方就是：寫(xiě)作文不要總是想著怎么用“大詞”，其實(shí)用一些大學(xué)6級(jí)的詞匯就已經(jīng)很好了?。。〈硕沃校簐igorous, energetic, saddled with, confronted with, withstand, be inclined to, adroitly都是不錯(cuò)的表達(dá)，而且都是6級(jí)所涵蓋的詞匯！?。?BR> Another factor we cannot neglect is that young people are more prone to achieve outstanding academic performance with formal education. In case of the youth, they live in a world with the burgeoning of computer science and high-advanced technology, so it is easier for them to access the avant-courier and to accept it. On the country, in case of the people in their later middle age, they are more apt to be conservative and what they have learned are most probably to be behind the time. All of these make it rational for them to be taken the place of.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：此段也是通過(guò)一個(gè)套句來(lái)表明作文的另一個(gè)分論點(diǎn)。而且是一個(gè)1’+ 3模式，支持句多了1句，因此，段落的詞匯也多了。內(nèi)容上來(lái)說(shuō)，還是比較獨(dú)立的，沒(méi)有重復(fù)內(nèi)容的跡象?。ㄒ⒁?，很多同學(xué)認(rèn)為雅思作文的內(nèi)容不重要，所以寫(xiě)的時(shí)候不夠注意，結(jié)果不同的段落交待的內(nèi)容其實(shí)很相似，這樣的文章在內(nèi)容上要扣分的?。。。?BR> 巧妙之處：支持句的層次很清晰?。?！有些同學(xué)在論證自己分論點(diǎn)的時(shí)候，所寫(xiě)的支持句的內(nèi)容很混亂，沒(méi)有什么聯(lián)系，很莫名。而此段將the youth和the people in their later middle age來(lái)比較，很清晰地段落安排。最后值得一提的是，此段最后1句還寫(xiě)了個(gè)總結(jié)句，使得段落內(nèi)容看上去很完整。由于雅思作文老師并不強(qiáng)調(diào)正文段的段落最后要寫(xiě)總結(jié)句，所以很多學(xué)生是基本不寫(xiě)，這篇很難得！
語(yǔ)言方面：此段的缺點(diǎn)就在于有些語(yǔ)言方面的錯(cuò)誤，雖然不嚴(yán)重，而且看似由于粗心，但“還是錯(cuò)了”！在考試時(shí)，考官可不會(huì)管你是不是粗心?。?！綠色部分是錯(cuò)的地方。應(yīng)改為：in the case of, behind the times, on the contrary, most likely.
此外，be prone to, be apt to還是用得不錯(cuò)的！但是，avant-courier 并不是很好，雖然看似有點(diǎn)難，其實(shí)和它一個(gè)意思的還有avant-garde, vanguard.這些詞都是外來(lái)詞，的確可以顯示作者的詞匯量，但是，仔細(xì)的人會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，這個(gè)句子的內(nèi)容其實(shí)很平淡，甚至有點(diǎn)抽象，這樣的句子雖然有了華麗的詞匯來(lái)裝飾，但內(nèi)容空洞，甚至有時(shí)候內(nèi)容根本讀不懂，老外并不喜歡這樣的句子?。?！不建議大家模仿這樣的句子。
Also, it is sagacious to keep an eye on the crucial cause that young employees, mentally speaking, are rich in creativity, flexibility, and self-motivation. Owing to the strength in body, they are always ready to find new ways to solve the problem they meet, which will contribute a lot to the company not only to survive in the fierce competition but also to maintain sustainable development.
預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.本文來(lái)自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》。
點(diǎn)評(píng)：結(jié)構(gòu)很固定：1’+ 1的模式，支持句略微有些少，但是句子很長(zhǎng)，所以字?jǐn)?shù)也夠了。第1句還是簡(jiǎn)單得用了一個(gè)套句。
巧妙之處：內(nèi)容上和正文段的第1段非常匹配?。?！第1段是從phisically來(lái)講，而此段是從mentally speaking來(lái)講，所以內(nèi)容上的安排還是不錯(cuò)的?。?！
語(yǔ)言方面：炫耀了長(zhǎng)句的能力?。?！最后一句寫(xiě)了將近3行，很牛?。。〉窃谖遗Ｄ跹劾?，這個(gè)句子還是很有問(wèn)題的！?。。ü﹚hich will contribute a lot to the company not only to survive in the fierce competition but also to maintain sustainable development這個(gè)句子的后半，not only ...感覺(jué)很怪，不是很流暢?。?！可以改成：which is conducive not only to the company's survival in the face of fierce competition but also to its maintenance of sustainable growth.這樣寫(xiě)，是不是更牛呢，哈哈。（和我比長(zhǎng)句，還嫩呢?。。。┣鞍刖洌篛wing to the strength in body可以改成thanks to body strength這樣感覺(jué)更簡(jiǎn)潔。說(shuō)正經(jīng)的，大家要切忌，雅思大作文不是一味地炫耀長(zhǎng)句，而是該長(zhǎng)的長(zhǎng)，該短的時(shí)候就必須要短?。。∵@樣才不會(huì)給人感覺(jué)，文章很ｖｅｒｂｏｓｅ！?。?BR> To put all into a nutshell, though I do not mean that the aged employees who own the abundance of routine practice and social experience are neither rhyme nor rhythm, from what I have presented above, we can safely draw the conclusion that it is advisable to give opportunities to new generation in companies and incorporations.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：好了，看到這里，我們大致明白了這篇文章的寫(xiě)法了。首段和尾段運(yùn)用了很多套句，因?yàn)樵趯?shí)戰(zhàn)當(dāng)中，這兩段的寫(xiě)法很固定，所以很多同學(xué)在事先就想好了?。。≌亩蔚闹黝}句同樣很固定，因此也準(zhǔn)備了很多“上乘的套句”！！但是，大家要注意，千萬(wàn)不要套太多，一旦超出考官的容忍范圍，文章分?jǐn)?shù)就不會(huì)高了。像這篇的話，首段和尾段再能改一下就好了。
綜合指數(shù)：8分。（前提是所用的套句未被考官認(rèn)為是plagiarism）
希望小新老師以后再貼點(diǎn)這樣的例文（能夠說(shuō)明很多問(wèn)題的例文），我么負(fù)責(zé)點(diǎn)評(píng)一下。這樣我們新東方老師強(qiáng)強(qiáng)聯(lián)手，同學(xué)們的作文應(yīng)該不是問(wèn)題了吧！?。。。?！哈哈，真開(kāi)心（我的口號(hào)）。。。。。。。。
點(diǎn)此查看原文>>>
預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.
以下這篇文章是由小新老師提供的例文，看了以后發(fā)現(xiàn)能夠說(shuō)明很多問(wèn)題！鑒于小新只提供了例文未加點(diǎn)評(píng)，特此點(diǎn)評(píng)一下，順此感謝小新的例文，呵呵?。?！
Recent years have witnessed the tendency that companies, in order to give opportunities to new generation, tend to encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. After pondering this phenomenon on many occasions, I finally reach the opinion that this trend is something worthy to be advocated and I cannot skip it. Inevitably, there are numerous reasons that count. I would like to expose a few of the most conspicuous ones as follows.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：第1段寫(xiě)的很流暢，介紹了背景，沒(méi)有重復(fù)原文，并在最后1句表明了自己的觀點(diǎn)，典型的2+1’模式，即2句過(guò)渡，最后1句表明觀點(diǎn)的主題句，這是雅思大作文中比較典型的寫(xiě)法。
巧妙之處：此段運(yùn)用了很多套句（紅色部分）。很多學(xué)生會(huì)問(wèn)套句會(huì)不會(huì)被考官評(píng)為低分？！請(qǐng)注意，如果我不說(shuō)明，你是否能夠看出第1段的幾句話是套句？！也就是說(shuō)，很多時(shí)候有些表達(dá)的方法比較有限，難免會(huì)有些重復(fù)，即使是套句，不要“死套”！靈活運(yùn)用一下，就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)原來(lái)套句不僅能夠開(kāi)發(fā)思路，也可以在適當(dāng)?shù)臅r(shí)候運(yùn)用一下，是文章語(yǔ)言更優(yōu)美?。。?BR> 缺點(diǎn)：此段的套句還是多了點(diǎn)，特別是最后1句表明觀點(diǎn)的話，我個(gè)人由于作文看得比較多，所以一看便覺(jué)得很熟悉，考官看不看得出就難說(shuō)了！而且需要指出的是，最后1句這種表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)的主題句被普遍的作文老師認(rèn)為是一種不錯(cuò)的寫(xiě)法。的確，這種寫(xiě)法是很容易掌握的，但是有位考官明確指出如果最后1句能夠?qū)懙母鞔_（即把下文要寫(xiě)的理由總結(jié)一下，在這句話中表明，效果會(huì)更好?。。。?BR> 語(yǔ)言方面：由于大量使用了套句，所以基本上沒(méi)有任何語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤。但是who are older than 55, 可以改成who are age over 55，感覺(jué)會(huì)更好一點(diǎn)！??！
The point on the top of my list for my propensity is that young people, physically, are more vigorous and energetic than elder ones. That is to say, young employees are more reliable when saddled with heavy burdens, which the elder cannot withstand due to their physical condition. Confronted with the work of high density, the elderly are inclined not to catch up with the steps of the young who may accomplish their mission swiftly and adroitly.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：第１句話使用了一個(gè)比較高層次的套句來(lái)表明自己的分論點(diǎn)，是一個(gè)不錯(cuò)的主題句。第２句開(kāi)始，由that is to say引出了supporting sentences。此段共３句話，采用了１’＋２模式，即第１句主題句，后２句支持句。這種結(jié)構(gòu)一般只有高手才用，因?yàn)橹粚?xiě)２句支持句很難達(dá)到字?jǐn)?shù)要求，所以語(yǔ)言功底還沒(méi)達(dá)到這個(gè)境界的同學(xué)可以多寫(xiě)幾句支持句。
巧妙之處：這一段的套句用得不錯(cuò)，而且很好得控制了套句的“量”！很清晰地從physically來(lái)分析，the elder的不足之處，內(nèi)容很明確。
預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.本文來(lái)自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》。
語(yǔ)言方面：這里有值得大家學(xué)的地方就是：寫(xiě)作文不要總是想著怎么用“大詞”，其實(shí)用一些大學(xué)6級(jí)的詞匯就已經(jīng)很好了?。。〈硕沃校簐igorous, energetic, saddled with, confronted with, withstand, be inclined to, adroitly都是不錯(cuò)的表達(dá)，而且都是6級(jí)所涵蓋的詞匯！?。?BR> Another factor we cannot neglect is that young people are more prone to achieve outstanding academic performance with formal education. In case of the youth, they live in a world with the burgeoning of computer science and high-advanced technology, so it is easier for them to access the avant-courier and to accept it. On the country, in case of the people in their later middle age, they are more apt to be conservative and what they have learned are most probably to be behind the time. All of these make it rational for them to be taken the place of.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：此段也是通過(guò)一個(gè)套句來(lái)表明作文的另一個(gè)分論點(diǎn)。而且是一個(gè)1’+ 3模式，支持句多了1句，因此，段落的詞匯也多了。內(nèi)容上來(lái)說(shuō)，還是比較獨(dú)立的，沒(méi)有重復(fù)內(nèi)容的跡象?。ㄒ⒁?，很多同學(xué)認(rèn)為雅思作文的內(nèi)容不重要，所以寫(xiě)的時(shí)候不夠注意，結(jié)果不同的段落交待的內(nèi)容其實(shí)很相似，這樣的文章在內(nèi)容上要扣分的?。。。?BR> 巧妙之處：支持句的層次很清晰?。?！有些同學(xué)在論證自己分論點(diǎn)的時(shí)候，所寫(xiě)的支持句的內(nèi)容很混亂，沒(méi)有什么聯(lián)系，很莫名。而此段將the youth和the people in their later middle age來(lái)比較，很清晰地段落安排。最后值得一提的是，此段最后1句還寫(xiě)了個(gè)總結(jié)句，使得段落內(nèi)容看上去很完整。由于雅思作文老師并不強(qiáng)調(diào)正文段的段落最后要寫(xiě)總結(jié)句，所以很多學(xué)生是基本不寫(xiě)，這篇很難得！
語(yǔ)言方面：此段的缺點(diǎn)就在于有些語(yǔ)言方面的錯(cuò)誤，雖然不嚴(yán)重，而且看似由于粗心，但“還是錯(cuò)了”！在考試時(shí)，考官可不會(huì)管你是不是粗心?。?！綠色部分是錯(cuò)的地方。應(yīng)改為：in the case of, behind the times, on the contrary, most likely.
此外，be prone to, be apt to還是用得不錯(cuò)的！但是，avant-courier 并不是很好，雖然看似有點(diǎn)難，其實(shí)和它一個(gè)意思的還有avant-garde, vanguard.這些詞都是外來(lái)詞，的確可以顯示作者的詞匯量，但是，仔細(xì)的人會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，這個(gè)句子的內(nèi)容其實(shí)很平淡，甚至有點(diǎn)抽象，這樣的句子雖然有了華麗的詞匯來(lái)裝飾，但內(nèi)容空洞，甚至有時(shí)候內(nèi)容根本讀不懂，老外并不喜歡這樣的句子?。?！不建議大家模仿這樣的句子。
Also, it is sagacious to keep an eye on the crucial cause that young employees, mentally speaking, are rich in creativity, flexibility, and self-motivation. Owing to the strength in body, they are always ready to find new ways to solve the problem they meet, which will contribute a lot to the company not only to survive in the fierce competition but also to maintain sustainable development.
預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.本文來(lái)自雅思作文網(wǎng)liuxue86.com《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》。
點(diǎn)評(píng)：結(jié)構(gòu)很固定：1’+ 1的模式，支持句略微有些少，但是句子很長(zhǎng)，所以字?jǐn)?shù)也夠了。第1句還是簡(jiǎn)單得用了一個(gè)套句。
巧妙之處：內(nèi)容上和正文段的第1段非常匹配?。?！第1段是從phisically來(lái)講，而此段是從mentally speaking來(lái)講，所以內(nèi)容上的安排還是不錯(cuò)的?。?！
語(yǔ)言方面：炫耀了長(zhǎng)句的能力?。?！最后一句寫(xiě)了將近3行，很牛?。。〉窃谖遗Ｄ跹劾?，這個(gè)句子還是很有問(wèn)題的！?。。ü﹚hich will contribute a lot to the company not only to survive in the fierce competition but also to maintain sustainable development這個(gè)句子的后半，not only ...感覺(jué)很怪，不是很流暢?。?！可以改成：which is conducive not only to the company's survival in the face of fierce competition but also to its maintenance of sustainable growth.這樣寫(xiě)，是不是更牛呢，哈哈。（和我比長(zhǎng)句，還嫩呢?。。。┣鞍刖洌篛wing to the strength in body可以改成thanks to body strength這樣感覺(jué)更簡(jiǎn)潔。說(shuō)正經(jīng)的，大家要切忌，雅思大作文不是一味地炫耀長(zhǎng)句，而是該長(zhǎng)的長(zhǎng)，該短的時(shí)候就必須要短?。。∵@樣才不會(huì)給人感覺(jué)，文章很ｖｅｒｂｏｓｅ！?。?BR> To put all into a nutshell, though I do not mean that the aged employees who own the abundance of routine practice and social experience are neither rhyme nor rhythm, from what I have presented above, we can safely draw the conclusion that it is advisable to give opportunities to new generation in companies and incorporations.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：好了，看到這里，我們大致明白了這篇文章的寫(xiě)法了。首段和尾段運(yùn)用了很多套句，因?yàn)樵趯?shí)戰(zhàn)當(dāng)中，這兩段的寫(xiě)法很固定，所以很多同學(xué)在事先就想好了?。。≌亩蔚闹黝}句同樣很固定，因此也準(zhǔn)備了很多“上乘的套句”！！但是，大家要注意，千萬(wàn)不要套太多，一旦超出考官的容忍范圍，文章分?jǐn)?shù)就不會(huì)高了。像這篇的話，首段和尾段再能改一下就好了。
綜合指數(shù)：8分。（前提是所用的套句未被考官認(rèn)為是plagiarism）
希望小新老師以后再貼點(diǎn)這樣的例文（能夠說(shuō)明很多問(wèn)題的例文），我么負(fù)責(zé)點(diǎn)評(píng)一下。這樣我們新東方老師強(qiáng)強(qiáng)聯(lián)手，同學(xué)們的作文應(yīng)該不是問(wèn)題了吧！?。。。?！哈哈，真開(kāi)心（我的口號(hào)）。。。。。。。。
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預(yù)祝您雅思作文更上一層樓,感謝您閱讀《通過(guò)點(diǎn)評(píng)說(shuō)明問(wèn)題！》一文.