John Watson
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
1896—1897
Ladies and gentlemen：
I shall have the pleasure of speaking to youabout certain traits of character of the people of mynation.One of the first traits I shall illustrate istheir humour.We are，I hope，a Christian people，but I am certain that our Christianity has been tested a good many times by that often－repeatedproverb of Sidney Smith's，that it takes a surgical operation to get a joke into a Scotchman's head.
A recent writer，whom I cannot identify，andwhose name I do not want to know，denies thatthere is anything in our humour that is light intouch，delicate and graceful.He asserts insteadthat there is much that is austere and awkward，tiresome，and unpleasant.Now each nation takesits own humour in its own way，some joyously，some seriously，but none more conscientiously than the Scotch.
When an Englishman sees a joke in the dis- tance，he immediately capitulates and laughs rightout.He takes it home for the enjoyment of the family，and perhaps the neighbours hear it throughthe doors.Then for days afterwards the man who captured it shares it with his fellowpassengers inconveyances，possibly impressing it forcibly uponthem.In the Scotch mind，when a jest presents it-self，the question arises：“Is it a jest at all？”and itis given a careful and analytical examination，andif，after twenty-four hours，it continues to appearto be a jest，it is accepted and done much honour.Even then it may not cause a laugh.As some griefis too deep for tears，so some humour is appreciat-ed without demonstration，and，again，as all soilsare not productive of the same fruit，so each coun-try has its own particular humour.Understand thehumour of a nation and you have understood its character and its traditions，and even had somesort of an insight into its grief.
If you want the most beautiful flower of hu-mour，wit，you must go to France for it.There isno wit so subtle，so finished，so complete as theFrench wit，especially the wit of the Parisian.There you will find what might be termed the aris-tocracy of wit.
What I mean by wit is this：Two men were rid-ing together one day through Paris.One was ex-ceedingly bright and clever，while the other wascorrespondingly dull.As is usually the case，thelatter monopolized the conversation.The talk ofthe dullard had become almost unendurable，whenhis companion saw a man on the street far aheadyawning.“Look，”he exclaimed，“we are over-heard！”
That story divides the sheep from the goats.Iwas telling it once to a Scotch lady，who re-marked：“How could they have been overheard atthat distance？”“Madam，”I replied，“that neveroccurred to me before.”
The Scotch have no wit.Life to them hasbeen too intense and too bitter a struggle for theproduction of humour of the French kind.Neitherhave they drollery，which is the result of standingthe intellect upon its head，so that it sees thingsbottom upwards.This is the possession of theIrish；not the North Irish，who are only Scotchpeople who went over to Ireland to be born；butthe South Irishman，the Milesian，who sees thingsupside down habitually.It is because of drollerythat these lovable，kind-hearted people are so irre-sistible.
An Irishman was once sent to deliver a livehare，which escaped and started to run for its lib-erty.The Irish made no attempt at pursuit.Nothe.He simply shook his sides with laughter，whilehe exclaimed：“Ye may run，ye may run and kapeon running，but small good it'll do yez.Ye haven'tgot the address！”
We Scotch have not the most democratic formof humour，which is called“fun.”Fun seems to bethe possession of the English race.Fun is JohnBulll's idea of humour，and there is no intellectualjudgment in fun.Everybody understands it be-cause it is practical.More than that，it unites allclasses and sweetens even political life.To studythe elemental form of English humour，you mustlook to the school-boy.It begins with the practicaljoke，and unless there is something of his natureabout it，it is never humour to an Englishman.Inan English household，fun is going all the time.The entire house resounds witn it.The fathercomes home and the whole family contribute to theamusement；puns，humorous uses of words，littlethings that are meaningless nonsense，if you like，fly round，and every one enjoys them thoroughlyfor just what they are.The Scotch are devoid ofthis trait，and the Americans seem to be，too.
If I had the power to give humour to the na-tions I would not give them drollery，for that isimpractical；I would not give them wit，for that isaristocratic，and many minds cannot grasp it；but Iwould be contented to deal out fun，which has nointellectual element，no subtlety，belongs to oldand young，educated and uneducated alike，and isthe natural form of the humour of the Englishman.
Let me tell you why the Englishman speaksonly one language.He believes with the strongestconviction that his own tongue is the one that allpeople ought to speak and will come in time tospeak，so what is the use of learning any other？Hebelieves，too，that he is appointed by Providenceto be a governor of all the rest of the human race.From our Scottish standpoint we can never see anEnglishman without thinking that there is oozingfrom every pore of his body the conviction that hebelongs to a governing race.It has not been his de-sire that large portions of the world should be un-der his care，but as they have been thrust uponhim in the proceedings of a wise Providence，hemust discharge his duty.This theory hasn't en-deared him to others of his kind，but that isn't amatter that concerns him.He doesn't learn anyother language because he knows that he couldspeak it only so imperfectly that other peoplewould laugh at him，and it would never do that aperson of his importance in the scheme of the uni-verse should be made the object of ridicule.
An Englishman and a German were once speaking of this subject，and the latter asked theformer why it was that Englishmen did not speakas good French as the Germans，to which the Eng-lishman replied：“I'll tell you why.If NapoleonBonaparte had come twice to our nation to teach ushis language，we would speak it as well as youdo.”
Here is another sample of the English jest.The Duke of Wellington was once introduced byKing Louis Philippe to a marshal whose troops theDuke had whipped in the Peninsula.The marshalgruffly refused the Duke's hand，turned andwalked away，while the Duke said：“Excuse him，your Majesty；I taught him that lesson.”
But English humour consists of fair fighting，hitting above the belt.It is healthy fun that hasmade family life happy，taken precociousness outof boys，and enabled the Englishman to give hisneighbour a slap when he needed a slap，and nohard feelings.
If I may venture to say anything of Americanhumour，I would say that it has two conspicuousqualities.The one is its largeness.It is humour ona great scale，which I presume is due to the threethousand miles between San Francisco and NewYork.We live in a small poor country，and ourhumour is thrifty；your country is large and rich，and your humour is extravagant.The other qualityof your humour is its omissions，which perhaps isdue to the fact that，having so huge a country，youcannot travel through it in daylight.So in your hu-mour you give the first and last chapters of a jest，which is like a railroad journey across this bigcountry，much of the time spent in sleep，but withfrequent sudden awakenings.But did it ever occurto you that you Americans are a terribly seriouspeople？Your comic papers，for example，containalmost no genuine fun.They leave a bitter taste.The fun is there for a purpose；it is bitter，well-nigh malignant.The items hit，as well as raise alaugh，and they never lack an ulterior motive.Youare too busy；you put out too much nervous ener-gy；your life is too tense to make pure fun for thepleasure of it；such，for example，as is found inour Punch.
There is one department still left，perhaps themost severely intellectual of all.It is irony.Inirony there is a sense of the paradox of things，theunexpectedness of things，the conjunction of joyand sorrow，the sense of the unseen.The Scotchliterature and life are exceedingly rich in irony.Ithas come from the bitter indignation of a peoplewho have seen some amazing absurdity or wrong.Hence，the sair laugh of the Scotchman is a bitterlaugh，not on the outside，but on the inside，anddeep down.Irony is the most profound form of hu-mour，and in that department of humour the Scotch are unexcelled.The Scotchman has toplough ground that is more stones than earth，hehas to harvest his crops out of the teeth of thesnow-storm，three centuries of the sternest Calvin-ism are behind him，his life has been a continualstruggle and surprise；and all these things havetaught him the irony of life.
Let an Englishman and a Scotchman come to-gether for a bit of banter.The Englishman asksthe Scot why so many of his people go abroad andnever return to their native land.The Scotchmantells the Englishman that it is for the good of theworld.Then he retorts by telling the Englishmanthat just across the border is a city in Scotlandcomposed of 30，000 Englishmen.The Englishmanis incredulous until the Scotchman tells him thatthe name of the town is Bannockburn，that thesame Englishmen have been inhabiting it for sever-al centuries and that they are among the mostpeaceful and law-abiding citizens of Scotland.Then the Scotchman wants to be alone for a coupleof minutes to enjoy the taste of that in his mouth.
A Scot's humour is always grim because he isalways in contact with the tragedy of life.Ascotchman goes out to play golf.He is annoyed bya slow player who is ahead of him on the links，andtells his caddie to gather up the sticks and go backto the club，as he does not want to follow a funeralprocession all day.The caddie replies，afterthought：“Ah noo！Dinna be hasty.He might dropdeid afore he has gone three holes.”Is there anynation like this，sensible always of the divinitieshanging over them？
Scotch humour is always dry and never sweet；always biting and never consoling.There was aScotch woman whose husband was sick.Althoughshe attended the church of the Rev.NormanMcLeod，she sent for another minister to adminis-ter spiritual advice to her husband.The ministercame and discovered that the man was sufferingfrom typhus fever.In speaking to the wife heasked her what church she attended.She repliedthat she went to Norman's church.
“Then why did you not have him come？”wasthe query.
“Why，”answered the woman，“do you thinkwe would risk Normie with the typhus fever？”
The grimmest example of Scotch humour thatI ever heard is this story that was told me of acriminal who was condemned to death.Just beforethe execution his counsel went to see him for thepurpose of cheering him up.He told the Scot thatsentence had been pronounced，it was perfectlyjust，and he must hope for no mercy，but he askedif there were anything he could do for him.Thecondemned man thanked him，said he was mostkind，and there was one request he would make.
“What is that？”asked his visitor.
“I would ask you to go to my chest and fetchmy Sabbath blacks？”
“And what do you want with your Sabbathblacks？”
“I wish to wear them as a mark of respect forthe deceased，”said the condemned man.
約翰·沃森
蘇格蘭人的幽默
1896-1897年
女士們、先生們：
我很高興對諸位談?wù)勎覈嗣裥愿裰械囊恍┨攸c(diǎn)。第一個(gè)特點(diǎn)就是幽默。我希望我們是信奉基督的人民；但我可以肯定，我們的基督教信念已經(jīng)屢屢受到西德尼·史密斯所說的那句格言的考驗(yàn)——需要通過外科手術(shù)，才能把笑話塞進(jìn)蘇格蘭人的腦袋。
最近有一位作家斷言——我不知道這位作家是誰，也不想知道他是誰——我們的幽默沒有任何輕靈、巧妙和優(yōu)美的感覺，而是顯得十分嚴(yán)厲笨拙，令人厭倦和不快。先生們，各個(gè)民族都是以自己的方式對待幽默的，有的表現(xiàn)為歡快，有的則是嚴(yán)肅，但若論認(rèn)真二字，那就非蘇格蘭人莫屬了。
英國人在外面見到一個(gè)笑話，立即會全盤接受并開懷大笑。他把笑話帶回家，讓全家人都樂一樂，也許鄰人也透過門窗聽到了這個(gè)笑話。然后，接連好幾天，他與同車的乘客共享這個(gè)笑話，也許還會使乘客們留下非常深刻的印象。但蘇格蘭人不同。當(dāng)一個(gè)笑話發(fā)生時(shí)，他的腦子里會閃出疑問：“這到底是不是個(gè)笑話？”他會仔細(xì)地進(jìn)行分析。如果過了24小時(shí)，它似乎仍然是個(gè)笑話，它才會被恭恭敬敬地接受下來。即使到那時(shí)候，它可能還不會引起笑聲。就像過分悲傷反而欲哭無淚，人們在欣賞有些幽默時(shí)也會不動(dòng)聲色；同樣，就像所有的土地長不出相同的果實(shí)，每個(gè)國家也有自己的特定的幽默。要理解一個(gè)國家的幽默，就要了解這個(gè)國家的性格和傳統(tǒng)，甚至還要有所深入地了解它的悲傷。
如果你想摘取最美麗的幽默之花——風(fēng)趣，你就必須到法國去。沒有像法國人，尤其是巴黎人這樣精巧微妙、精美絕倫的風(fēng)趣了。在那里，你可以發(fā)現(xiàn)不妨稱之為貴族氣派的風(fēng)趣。
舉一個(gè)例子。有一天，兩個(gè)人騎馬穿過巴黎，一個(gè)聰明絕頂，另一個(gè)愚笨無比。像往常一樣，后者成了談話的主角。就在笨人的喋喋不休幾乎要使聰明人忍無可忍的時(shí)候，聰明人看見遠(yuǎn)處街上有一個(gè)人在打呵欠?！扒?，”他叫起來，“我們的話被別人偷聽到了！”
這個(gè)故事可以試出人們對待幽默的不同態(tài)度。有一次，我對一位蘇格蘭女士講了這個(gè)故事，她問：“既然離得很遠(yuǎn)，他們的話怎么能聽得到？”“夫人，”我回答說，“我從未想到這個(gè)問題?！?BR> 蘇格蘭人沒有風(fēng)趣可言。對他們來說，生活是緊張而艱苦的搏斗，不可能產(chǎn)生法國式的幽默。他們也不善于解嘲，因?yàn)榻獬鞍讶说睦斫饽芰︻嵉惯^來，常常逆向思考問題。這是愛爾蘭人的屬性。但我不是指北愛爾蘭人，他們僅僅是生于愛爾蘭的蘇格蘭人；而是指南愛爾蘭人，他們常常倒過來看待事物。正因?yàn)榫哂薪獬暗奶煨裕@些可愛而善良的人們才這樣不可壓制。
有一次，一個(gè)愛爾蘭人被派去送一只活兔子，可是兔子逃了，開始奔向自由了。這個(gè)愛爾蘭人不想追趕，他沒有追趕。他一邊大笑，一邊說：“你跑吧，不停地跑吧。跑有什么用？你又沒有地址！”
我們蘇格蘭人不善“逗樂兒”，盡管這是最民主的幽默形式。逗樂兒似乎是英國人的秉性，是約翰·布爾所說的幽默，不需區(qū)分智力高下。它切合實(shí)際，人人都懂。不僅如此，它把各階層人士聯(lián)系在一起，甚至還使政治生活變得盎然有趣。要研究英國幽默的基礎(chǔ)形式，你必須觀察學(xué)童。逗樂兒始于惡作劇，但須順其自然，否則在英國人看來，就無幽默可言。在一個(gè)英國家庭里，逗樂兒無時(shí)不在進(jìn)行，整幢屋子其樂融融。父親回家了，全家人各顯其能，津津樂道；雙關(guān)語、俏皮話、大實(shí)話、空話廢話滿天飛，人人盡情享受。蘇格蘭人沒有這種性格，美國人恐怕也沒有。
如果我有權(quán)給予各民族幽默，那么我不給予他們解嘲，因?yàn)槟遣磺袑?shí)際；也不給予他們風(fēng)趣，因?yàn)槟沁^于貴族派頭，以致多數(shù)人無法理解；我要心滿意足地給予他們逗樂兒，即不分智力高下，沒有隱晦曲折，無論老少或受教育與否都能享受的英國式的自然幽默。
讓我告訴諸位為什么英國人只講一種語言。英國人堅(jiān)信，英語是各國人民都應(yīng)該講、而且遲早都會講的語言，因此，學(xué)其他語言有什么用？他還認(rèn)為，上帝已委派他成為全人類的主宰。從蘇格蘭人的立場來看，英國人每一個(gè)毛孔都散發(fā)著他是屬于統(tǒng)治民族的信念。他雖然不想把各國人民置于自己的監(jiān)護(hù)之下，但是，既然賢明的上帝讓他這樣做，他就必須盡到責(zé)任。這種理論沒有使他對其他人、包括對和他一樣的人變得親切可愛，但那不關(guān)他的事。他之所以不學(xué)其他語言，因?yàn)樗雷约赫f得很糟，唯恐別人恥笑，而像他那樣重要的人是萬萬不能成為別人的笑柄的。
有一次，一個(gè)英國人與一個(gè)德國人談?wù)撈疬@個(gè)話題。那個(gè)德國人問，為什么英國人講法語不如德國人講得好，那個(gè)英國人答道：“我來告訴你為什么。如果拿破侖·波拿巴兩次來到我們的國家教法語，我們就會講得同你們一樣好?！?BR> 這里還有一個(gè)英國幽默的例子。有一次，法國國王路易·菲利普把威靈頓公爵介紹給一位元帥，元帥的部隊(duì)曾在伊比利亞半島被威靈頓擊敗。元帥粗暴地拒絕了威靈頓的手，轉(zhuǎn)過身就走。這時(shí)公爵說：“讓他走吧，陛下，我教訓(xùn)過他了?！钡哪前匆?guī)則進(jìn)行的搏斗，它決不暗箭傷人。這種健康的玩笑使家庭生活愉快活潑，使孩子們?nèi)珶o少年老成習(xí)氣，使英國人能在其鄰居需要有人給以譏刺時(shí)毫無敵意地給他一番譏刺。
如果我可以斗膽說一說美國幽默，我就把它歸納為兩個(gè)顯著的特點(diǎn)。第一個(gè)特點(diǎn)是博大。這是一種氣派很大的幽默，我以為，這是因?yàn)閺呐f金山到紐約有3，000英里的緣故。我們生活在一個(gè)又小又窮的國家，我們的幽默也很節(jié)約；你們的國家又大又富，所以你們的幽默也很奢侈。第二個(gè)特點(diǎn)是省略。這也許是因?yàn)槟銈儞碛羞|闊的國土，以致無法在白天走完全程。所以，你們的幽默總是給出一個(gè)笑話的開頭和結(jié)尾，就像你們乘火車穿過遼闊的國土，大部分時(shí)間在睡覺中度過，不過常常會突然醒過來。但是，諸位是否想過，你們美國人也是一個(gè)非常嚴(yán)肅的民族？比如，貴國的連環(huán)畫報(bào)就幾乎沒有真正的逗樂的成分。它們有一種苦味。逗樂是為著某種目的；逗樂辛辣無比，近乎惡毒。各期內(nèi)容不但引人發(fā)笑，而且令人深思，從不缺乏某種不可告人的目的。你們太忙碌了；你們太全力以赴了；你們的生活太緊張了，以致不能像我國的《笨拙》周報(bào)那樣，純粹地為逗樂而逗樂。
到現(xiàn)在為止，我還有一個(gè)部分沒有談到，也許這是心智鋒芒的部分，這就是諷刺。在諷刺中，事物表現(xiàn)出似是而非，突如其來，苦樂并存，無法明察。蘇格蘭文學(xué)和生活中特別富于諷刺，這與蘇格蘭人民目睹過許多荒唐和謬誤，因而悲憤填膺有關(guān)。因此，蘇格蘭人的笑是一種苦笑，這種笑不是掛在臉上，而是發(fā)自內(nèi)心深處。諷刺是最深沉的幽默，在這方面，蘇格蘭人是無與倫比的。蘇格蘭人不得不在山石比泥土多的土地上耕種，他們不得不在暴風(fēng)雪的間隙收割，長達(dá)3個(gè)世紀(jì)的加爾文主義跟隨著他們，他們的生活充滿了斗爭和意外，所有這一切，都教會他們生活就是諷刺。
有一次，一個(gè)英國人和一個(gè)蘇格蘭人在一起戲謔。英國人問，為什么那么多蘇格蘭人遠(yuǎn)走他鄉(xiāng)，從不思?xì)w。蘇格蘭人回答說，那樣做對世界有好處。接著，他進(jìn)行了反擊。他告訴那個(gè)英國人，就在邊境外不遠(yuǎn)處有一座蘇格蘭城市，城里住著3萬英國人。那個(gè)英國人感到大惑不解，這時(shí)，那個(gè)蘇格蘭人才接著說，那座城市名叫班諾本，在那里，英國人已居住了幾個(gè)世紀(jì)之久，他們一直是蘇格蘭最熱愛和平的、最守法的公民。然后，那個(gè)蘇格蘭人要求單獨(dú)呆一會兒，品味一下剛才說那番話的樂趣。
蘇格蘭人的幽默歷來是嚴(yán)厲無情的，因?yàn)樗偸墙佑|到生活悲慘的一面。有一次，一個(gè)蘇格蘭人去打高爾夫球，他的前面有一個(gè)動(dòng)作緩慢的高爾夫球手。他發(fā)火了。于是，他叫球童把球桿收拾好，準(zhǔn)備回俱樂部，因?yàn)樗幌牖ㄒ徽旄谒驮彡?duì)伍后面。球童想了一想，說：“啊，別走！不能著急！他也許打不到3個(gè)洞就會倒地死的。”世界上難道還有另一個(gè)認(rèn)為天意一直在對自己起作用的民族嗎？
蘇格蘭幽默永遠(yuǎn)是苦澀的，而不是甜蜜的；永遠(yuǎn)是刺人的，而不是安慰人的。有一次，一位蘇格蘭婦女的丈夫生病了，她雖然是到諾曼·麥克勞德神父的教堂做禮拜的，但她卻請了另一位神父來為丈夫做禱告。神父來了，發(fā)現(xiàn)她丈夫患的是傷寒。他問她到哪個(gè)教堂做禮拜，她說她到諾曼的教堂。
“那么你為什么不叫他來呢？”
“哎呀，”女人回答說，“您認(rèn)為我們因?yàn)閭蜁半U(xiǎn)讓諾曼人來嗎？”
我所聽到的最無情的蘇格蘭式幽默，是一個(gè)關(guān)于被判死刑的罪犯的故事。在執(zhí)行死刑前，律師前去看他，以便讓他快活起來。律師告訴他，判決已經(jīng)宣布了，而且是完全公正的，所以他不能指望得到饒恕。接著律師問可以為他做些什么。犯人表示感謝，說律師非常善良，還說他只有一個(gè)請求。
“什么請求？”律師問。
“我想請您把我衣櫥里的黑色安息服拿來?！?BR> “你要安息服干什么？”
“我希望穿上它，表示對死者的尊敬?！?BR>
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
1896—1897
Ladies and gentlemen：
I shall have the pleasure of speaking to youabout certain traits of character of the people of mynation.One of the first traits I shall illustrate istheir humour.We are，I hope，a Christian people，but I am certain that our Christianity has been tested a good many times by that often－repeatedproverb of Sidney Smith's，that it takes a surgical operation to get a joke into a Scotchman's head.
A recent writer，whom I cannot identify，andwhose name I do not want to know，denies thatthere is anything in our humour that is light intouch，delicate and graceful.He asserts insteadthat there is much that is austere and awkward，tiresome，and unpleasant.Now each nation takesits own humour in its own way，some joyously，some seriously，but none more conscientiously than the Scotch.
When an Englishman sees a joke in the dis- tance，he immediately capitulates and laughs rightout.He takes it home for the enjoyment of the family，and perhaps the neighbours hear it throughthe doors.Then for days afterwards the man who captured it shares it with his fellowpassengers inconveyances，possibly impressing it forcibly uponthem.In the Scotch mind，when a jest presents it-self，the question arises：“Is it a jest at all？”and itis given a careful and analytical examination，andif，after twenty-four hours，it continues to appearto be a jest，it is accepted and done much honour.Even then it may not cause a laugh.As some griefis too deep for tears，so some humour is appreciat-ed without demonstration，and，again，as all soilsare not productive of the same fruit，so each coun-try has its own particular humour.Understand thehumour of a nation and you have understood its character and its traditions，and even had somesort of an insight into its grief.
If you want the most beautiful flower of hu-mour，wit，you must go to France for it.There isno wit so subtle，so finished，so complete as theFrench wit，especially the wit of the Parisian.There you will find what might be termed the aris-tocracy of wit.
What I mean by wit is this：Two men were rid-ing together one day through Paris.One was ex-ceedingly bright and clever，while the other wascorrespondingly dull.As is usually the case，thelatter monopolized the conversation.The talk ofthe dullard had become almost unendurable，whenhis companion saw a man on the street far aheadyawning.“Look，”he exclaimed，“we are over-heard！”
That story divides the sheep from the goats.Iwas telling it once to a Scotch lady，who re-marked：“How could they have been overheard atthat distance？”“Madam，”I replied，“that neveroccurred to me before.”
The Scotch have no wit.Life to them hasbeen too intense and too bitter a struggle for theproduction of humour of the French kind.Neitherhave they drollery，which is the result of standingthe intellect upon its head，so that it sees thingsbottom upwards.This is the possession of theIrish；not the North Irish，who are only Scotchpeople who went over to Ireland to be born；butthe South Irishman，the Milesian，who sees thingsupside down habitually.It is because of drollerythat these lovable，kind-hearted people are so irre-sistible.
An Irishman was once sent to deliver a livehare，which escaped and started to run for its lib-erty.The Irish made no attempt at pursuit.Nothe.He simply shook his sides with laughter，whilehe exclaimed：“Ye may run，ye may run and kapeon running，but small good it'll do yez.Ye haven'tgot the address！”
We Scotch have not the most democratic formof humour，which is called“fun.”Fun seems to bethe possession of the English race.Fun is JohnBulll's idea of humour，and there is no intellectualjudgment in fun.Everybody understands it be-cause it is practical.More than that，it unites allclasses and sweetens even political life.To studythe elemental form of English humour，you mustlook to the school-boy.It begins with the practicaljoke，and unless there is something of his natureabout it，it is never humour to an Englishman.Inan English household，fun is going all the time.The entire house resounds witn it.The fathercomes home and the whole family contribute to theamusement；puns，humorous uses of words，littlethings that are meaningless nonsense，if you like，fly round，and every one enjoys them thoroughlyfor just what they are.The Scotch are devoid ofthis trait，and the Americans seem to be，too.
If I had the power to give humour to the na-tions I would not give them drollery，for that isimpractical；I would not give them wit，for that isaristocratic，and many minds cannot grasp it；but Iwould be contented to deal out fun，which has nointellectual element，no subtlety，belongs to oldand young，educated and uneducated alike，and isthe natural form of the humour of the Englishman.
Let me tell you why the Englishman speaksonly one language.He believes with the strongestconviction that his own tongue is the one that allpeople ought to speak and will come in time tospeak，so what is the use of learning any other？Hebelieves，too，that he is appointed by Providenceto be a governor of all the rest of the human race.From our Scottish standpoint we can never see anEnglishman without thinking that there is oozingfrom every pore of his body the conviction that hebelongs to a governing race.It has not been his de-sire that large portions of the world should be un-der his care，but as they have been thrust uponhim in the proceedings of a wise Providence，hemust discharge his duty.This theory hasn't en-deared him to others of his kind，but that isn't amatter that concerns him.He doesn't learn anyother language because he knows that he couldspeak it only so imperfectly that other peoplewould laugh at him，and it would never do that aperson of his importance in the scheme of the uni-verse should be made the object of ridicule.
An Englishman and a German were once speaking of this subject，and the latter asked theformer why it was that Englishmen did not speakas good French as the Germans，to which the Eng-lishman replied：“I'll tell you why.If NapoleonBonaparte had come twice to our nation to teach ushis language，we would speak it as well as youdo.”
Here is another sample of the English jest.The Duke of Wellington was once introduced byKing Louis Philippe to a marshal whose troops theDuke had whipped in the Peninsula.The marshalgruffly refused the Duke's hand，turned andwalked away，while the Duke said：“Excuse him，your Majesty；I taught him that lesson.”
But English humour consists of fair fighting，hitting above the belt.It is healthy fun that hasmade family life happy，taken precociousness outof boys，and enabled the Englishman to give hisneighbour a slap when he needed a slap，and nohard feelings.
If I may venture to say anything of Americanhumour，I would say that it has two conspicuousqualities.The one is its largeness.It is humour ona great scale，which I presume is due to the threethousand miles between San Francisco and NewYork.We live in a small poor country，and ourhumour is thrifty；your country is large and rich，and your humour is extravagant.The other qualityof your humour is its omissions，which perhaps isdue to the fact that，having so huge a country，youcannot travel through it in daylight.So in your hu-mour you give the first and last chapters of a jest，which is like a railroad journey across this bigcountry，much of the time spent in sleep，but withfrequent sudden awakenings.But did it ever occurto you that you Americans are a terribly seriouspeople？Your comic papers，for example，containalmost no genuine fun.They leave a bitter taste.The fun is there for a purpose；it is bitter，well-nigh malignant.The items hit，as well as raise alaugh，and they never lack an ulterior motive.Youare too busy；you put out too much nervous ener-gy；your life is too tense to make pure fun for thepleasure of it；such，for example，as is found inour Punch.
There is one department still left，perhaps themost severely intellectual of all.It is irony.Inirony there is a sense of the paradox of things，theunexpectedness of things，the conjunction of joyand sorrow，the sense of the unseen.The Scotchliterature and life are exceedingly rich in irony.Ithas come from the bitter indignation of a peoplewho have seen some amazing absurdity or wrong.Hence，the sair laugh of the Scotchman is a bitterlaugh，not on the outside，but on the inside，anddeep down.Irony is the most profound form of hu-mour，and in that department of humour the Scotch are unexcelled.The Scotchman has toplough ground that is more stones than earth，hehas to harvest his crops out of the teeth of thesnow-storm，three centuries of the sternest Calvin-ism are behind him，his life has been a continualstruggle and surprise；and all these things havetaught him the irony of life.
Let an Englishman and a Scotchman come to-gether for a bit of banter.The Englishman asksthe Scot why so many of his people go abroad andnever return to their native land.The Scotchmantells the Englishman that it is for the good of theworld.Then he retorts by telling the Englishmanthat just across the border is a city in Scotlandcomposed of 30，000 Englishmen.The Englishmanis incredulous until the Scotchman tells him thatthe name of the town is Bannockburn，that thesame Englishmen have been inhabiting it for sever-al centuries and that they are among the mostpeaceful and law-abiding citizens of Scotland.Then the Scotchman wants to be alone for a coupleof minutes to enjoy the taste of that in his mouth.
A Scot's humour is always grim because he isalways in contact with the tragedy of life.Ascotchman goes out to play golf.He is annoyed bya slow player who is ahead of him on the links，andtells his caddie to gather up the sticks and go backto the club，as he does not want to follow a funeralprocession all day.The caddie replies，afterthought：“Ah noo！Dinna be hasty.He might dropdeid afore he has gone three holes.”Is there anynation like this，sensible always of the divinitieshanging over them？
Scotch humour is always dry and never sweet；always biting and never consoling.There was aScotch woman whose husband was sick.Althoughshe attended the church of the Rev.NormanMcLeod，she sent for another minister to adminis-ter spiritual advice to her husband.The ministercame and discovered that the man was sufferingfrom typhus fever.In speaking to the wife heasked her what church she attended.She repliedthat she went to Norman's church.
“Then why did you not have him come？”wasthe query.
“Why，”answered the woman，“do you thinkwe would risk Normie with the typhus fever？”
The grimmest example of Scotch humour thatI ever heard is this story that was told me of acriminal who was condemned to death.Just beforethe execution his counsel went to see him for thepurpose of cheering him up.He told the Scot thatsentence had been pronounced，it was perfectlyjust，and he must hope for no mercy，but he askedif there were anything he could do for him.Thecondemned man thanked him，said he was mostkind，and there was one request he would make.
“What is that？”asked his visitor.
“I would ask you to go to my chest and fetchmy Sabbath blacks？”
“And what do you want with your Sabbathblacks？”
“I wish to wear them as a mark of respect forthe deceased，”said the condemned man.
約翰·沃森
蘇格蘭人的幽默
1896-1897年
女士們、先生們：
我很高興對諸位談?wù)勎覈嗣裥愿裰械囊恍┨攸c(diǎn)。第一個(gè)特點(diǎn)就是幽默。我希望我們是信奉基督的人民；但我可以肯定，我們的基督教信念已經(jīng)屢屢受到西德尼·史密斯所說的那句格言的考驗(yàn)——需要通過外科手術(shù)，才能把笑話塞進(jìn)蘇格蘭人的腦袋。
最近有一位作家斷言——我不知道這位作家是誰，也不想知道他是誰——我們的幽默沒有任何輕靈、巧妙和優(yōu)美的感覺，而是顯得十分嚴(yán)厲笨拙，令人厭倦和不快。先生們，各個(gè)民族都是以自己的方式對待幽默的，有的表現(xiàn)為歡快，有的則是嚴(yán)肅，但若論認(rèn)真二字，那就非蘇格蘭人莫屬了。
英國人在外面見到一個(gè)笑話，立即會全盤接受并開懷大笑。他把笑話帶回家，讓全家人都樂一樂，也許鄰人也透過門窗聽到了這個(gè)笑話。然后，接連好幾天，他與同車的乘客共享這個(gè)笑話，也許還會使乘客們留下非常深刻的印象。但蘇格蘭人不同。當(dāng)一個(gè)笑話發(fā)生時(shí)，他的腦子里會閃出疑問：“這到底是不是個(gè)笑話？”他會仔細(xì)地進(jìn)行分析。如果過了24小時(shí)，它似乎仍然是個(gè)笑話，它才會被恭恭敬敬地接受下來。即使到那時(shí)候，它可能還不會引起笑聲。就像過分悲傷反而欲哭無淚，人們在欣賞有些幽默時(shí)也會不動(dòng)聲色；同樣，就像所有的土地長不出相同的果實(shí)，每個(gè)國家也有自己的特定的幽默。要理解一個(gè)國家的幽默，就要了解這個(gè)國家的性格和傳統(tǒng)，甚至還要有所深入地了解它的悲傷。
如果你想摘取最美麗的幽默之花——風(fēng)趣，你就必須到法國去。沒有像法國人，尤其是巴黎人這樣精巧微妙、精美絕倫的風(fēng)趣了。在那里，你可以發(fā)現(xiàn)不妨稱之為貴族氣派的風(fēng)趣。
舉一個(gè)例子。有一天，兩個(gè)人騎馬穿過巴黎，一個(gè)聰明絕頂，另一個(gè)愚笨無比。像往常一樣，后者成了談話的主角。就在笨人的喋喋不休幾乎要使聰明人忍無可忍的時(shí)候，聰明人看見遠(yuǎn)處街上有一個(gè)人在打呵欠?！扒?，”他叫起來，“我們的話被別人偷聽到了！”
這個(gè)故事可以試出人們對待幽默的不同態(tài)度。有一次，我對一位蘇格蘭女士講了這個(gè)故事，她問：“既然離得很遠(yuǎn)，他們的話怎么能聽得到？”“夫人，”我回答說，“我從未想到這個(gè)問題?！?BR> 蘇格蘭人沒有風(fēng)趣可言。對他們來說，生活是緊張而艱苦的搏斗，不可能產(chǎn)生法國式的幽默。他們也不善于解嘲，因?yàn)榻獬鞍讶说睦斫饽芰︻嵉惯^來，常常逆向思考問題。這是愛爾蘭人的屬性。但我不是指北愛爾蘭人，他們僅僅是生于愛爾蘭的蘇格蘭人；而是指南愛爾蘭人，他們常常倒過來看待事物。正因?yàn)榫哂薪獬暗奶煨裕@些可愛而善良的人們才這樣不可壓制。
有一次，一個(gè)愛爾蘭人被派去送一只活兔子，可是兔子逃了，開始奔向自由了。這個(gè)愛爾蘭人不想追趕，他沒有追趕。他一邊大笑，一邊說：“你跑吧，不停地跑吧。跑有什么用？你又沒有地址！”
我們蘇格蘭人不善“逗樂兒”，盡管這是最民主的幽默形式。逗樂兒似乎是英國人的秉性，是約翰·布爾所說的幽默，不需區(qū)分智力高下。它切合實(shí)際，人人都懂。不僅如此，它把各階層人士聯(lián)系在一起，甚至還使政治生活變得盎然有趣。要研究英國幽默的基礎(chǔ)形式，你必須觀察學(xué)童。逗樂兒始于惡作劇，但須順其自然，否則在英國人看來，就無幽默可言。在一個(gè)英國家庭里，逗樂兒無時(shí)不在進(jìn)行，整幢屋子其樂融融。父親回家了，全家人各顯其能，津津樂道；雙關(guān)語、俏皮話、大實(shí)話、空話廢話滿天飛，人人盡情享受。蘇格蘭人沒有這種性格，美國人恐怕也沒有。
如果我有權(quán)給予各民族幽默，那么我不給予他們解嘲，因?yàn)槟遣磺袑?shí)際；也不給予他們風(fēng)趣，因?yàn)槟沁^于貴族派頭，以致多數(shù)人無法理解；我要心滿意足地給予他們逗樂兒，即不分智力高下，沒有隱晦曲折，無論老少或受教育與否都能享受的英國式的自然幽默。
讓我告訴諸位為什么英國人只講一種語言。英國人堅(jiān)信，英語是各國人民都應(yīng)該講、而且遲早都會講的語言，因此，學(xué)其他語言有什么用？他還認(rèn)為，上帝已委派他成為全人類的主宰。從蘇格蘭人的立場來看，英國人每一個(gè)毛孔都散發(fā)著他是屬于統(tǒng)治民族的信念。他雖然不想把各國人民置于自己的監(jiān)護(hù)之下，但是，既然賢明的上帝讓他這樣做，他就必須盡到責(zé)任。這種理論沒有使他對其他人、包括對和他一樣的人變得親切可愛，但那不關(guān)他的事。他之所以不學(xué)其他語言，因?yàn)樗雷约赫f得很糟，唯恐別人恥笑，而像他那樣重要的人是萬萬不能成為別人的笑柄的。
有一次，一個(gè)英國人與一個(gè)德國人談?wù)撈疬@個(gè)話題。那個(gè)德國人問，為什么英國人講法語不如德國人講得好，那個(gè)英國人答道：“我來告訴你為什么。如果拿破侖·波拿巴兩次來到我們的國家教法語，我們就會講得同你們一樣好?！?BR> 這里還有一個(gè)英國幽默的例子。有一次，法國國王路易·菲利普把威靈頓公爵介紹給一位元帥，元帥的部隊(duì)曾在伊比利亞半島被威靈頓擊敗。元帥粗暴地拒絕了威靈頓的手，轉(zhuǎn)過身就走。這時(shí)公爵說：“讓他走吧，陛下，我教訓(xùn)過他了?！钡哪前匆?guī)則進(jìn)行的搏斗，它決不暗箭傷人。這種健康的玩笑使家庭生活愉快活潑，使孩子們?nèi)珶o少年老成習(xí)氣，使英國人能在其鄰居需要有人給以譏刺時(shí)毫無敵意地給他一番譏刺。
如果我可以斗膽說一說美國幽默，我就把它歸納為兩個(gè)顯著的特點(diǎn)。第一個(gè)特點(diǎn)是博大。這是一種氣派很大的幽默，我以為，這是因?yàn)閺呐f金山到紐約有3，000英里的緣故。我們生活在一個(gè)又小又窮的國家，我們的幽默也很節(jié)約；你們的國家又大又富，所以你們的幽默也很奢侈。第二個(gè)特點(diǎn)是省略。這也許是因?yàn)槟銈儞碛羞|闊的國土，以致無法在白天走完全程。所以，你們的幽默總是給出一個(gè)笑話的開頭和結(jié)尾，就像你們乘火車穿過遼闊的國土，大部分時(shí)間在睡覺中度過，不過常常會突然醒過來。但是，諸位是否想過，你們美國人也是一個(gè)非常嚴(yán)肅的民族？比如，貴國的連環(huán)畫報(bào)就幾乎沒有真正的逗樂的成分。它們有一種苦味。逗樂是為著某種目的；逗樂辛辣無比，近乎惡毒。各期內(nèi)容不但引人發(fā)笑，而且令人深思，從不缺乏某種不可告人的目的。你們太忙碌了；你們太全力以赴了；你們的生活太緊張了，以致不能像我國的《笨拙》周報(bào)那樣，純粹地為逗樂而逗樂。
到現(xiàn)在為止，我還有一個(gè)部分沒有談到，也許這是心智鋒芒的部分，這就是諷刺。在諷刺中，事物表現(xiàn)出似是而非，突如其來，苦樂并存，無法明察。蘇格蘭文學(xué)和生活中特別富于諷刺，這與蘇格蘭人民目睹過許多荒唐和謬誤，因而悲憤填膺有關(guān)。因此，蘇格蘭人的笑是一種苦笑，這種笑不是掛在臉上，而是發(fā)自內(nèi)心深處。諷刺是最深沉的幽默，在這方面，蘇格蘭人是無與倫比的。蘇格蘭人不得不在山石比泥土多的土地上耕種，他們不得不在暴風(fēng)雪的間隙收割，長達(dá)3個(gè)世紀(jì)的加爾文主義跟隨著他們，他們的生活充滿了斗爭和意外，所有這一切，都教會他們生活就是諷刺。
有一次，一個(gè)英國人和一個(gè)蘇格蘭人在一起戲謔。英國人問，為什么那么多蘇格蘭人遠(yuǎn)走他鄉(xiāng)，從不思?xì)w。蘇格蘭人回答說，那樣做對世界有好處。接著，他進(jìn)行了反擊。他告訴那個(gè)英國人，就在邊境外不遠(yuǎn)處有一座蘇格蘭城市，城里住著3萬英國人。那個(gè)英國人感到大惑不解，這時(shí)，那個(gè)蘇格蘭人才接著說，那座城市名叫班諾本，在那里，英國人已居住了幾個(gè)世紀(jì)之久，他們一直是蘇格蘭最熱愛和平的、最守法的公民。然后，那個(gè)蘇格蘭人要求單獨(dú)呆一會兒，品味一下剛才說那番話的樂趣。
蘇格蘭人的幽默歷來是嚴(yán)厲無情的，因?yàn)樗偸墙佑|到生活悲慘的一面。有一次，一個(gè)蘇格蘭人去打高爾夫球，他的前面有一個(gè)動(dòng)作緩慢的高爾夫球手。他發(fā)火了。于是，他叫球童把球桿收拾好，準(zhǔn)備回俱樂部，因?yàn)樗幌牖ㄒ徽旄谒驮彡?duì)伍后面。球童想了一想，說：“啊，別走！不能著急！他也許打不到3個(gè)洞就會倒地死的。”世界上難道還有另一個(gè)認(rèn)為天意一直在對自己起作用的民族嗎？
蘇格蘭幽默永遠(yuǎn)是苦澀的，而不是甜蜜的；永遠(yuǎn)是刺人的，而不是安慰人的。有一次，一位蘇格蘭婦女的丈夫生病了，她雖然是到諾曼·麥克勞德神父的教堂做禮拜的，但她卻請了另一位神父來為丈夫做禱告。神父來了，發(fā)現(xiàn)她丈夫患的是傷寒。他問她到哪個(gè)教堂做禮拜，她說她到諾曼的教堂。
“那么你為什么不叫他來呢？”
“哎呀，”女人回答說，“您認(rèn)為我們因?yàn)閭蜁半U(xiǎn)讓諾曼人來嗎？”
我所聽到的最無情的蘇格蘭式幽默，是一個(gè)關(guān)于被判死刑的罪犯的故事。在執(zhí)行死刑前，律師前去看他，以便讓他快活起來。律師告訴他，判決已經(jīng)宣布了，而且是完全公正的，所以他不能指望得到饒恕。接著律師問可以為他做些什么。犯人表示感謝，說律師非常善良，還說他只有一個(gè)請求。
“什么請求？”律師問。
“我想請您把我衣櫥里的黑色安息服拿來?！?BR> “你要安息服干什么？”
“我希望穿上它，表示對死者的尊敬?！?BR>